WARNING: this is a very long post. bear with it.
i always say that i don’t regret things. it’s unusual since there can’t be anyone who doesn’t have any. and i’m no exception. i’ve been silent for almost 9 years, but now i can actually say,
“i did regret once, and it took me years to let it go; and years to free me from it’s burden.”
well, it’s like this. i really hated it, and i can’t stand it. so i did everything that i could to forget it. and only reminded myself that i won’t regret. but now i guess 9 years is enough to let it go.
so yes, i did regret, and stopped regretting. and now i’m letting it all go. i haven’t told this to anyone yet, but of course there is an exception.
i was young. same way a little naive. who cares? i’m only 14 back then.
note: i won’t place any specific date, time or name.
the beginning.
it was my second mobile phone; the other one was too obsolete. so my aunt bought a new one for me. back then it was newly released and frankly, i felt i was so cool. with much enthusiasm, i started sending messages and calling people i know. making ringtones and such(back then the “composer” feature isn’t really new, but to me, it was).
so i did all kinds of things with my phone. you know the feeling of having something “new”. i sent messages to my friends, but since most of them are busy back then, i looked for someone who could talk to me. (believe me, boredom is a bad enemy.)
i was channel-surfing that night that i came across a (i really don’t know what it’s called) show that plays music videos and scroll messages as if it was a chatroom. i liked the song (i remember it was from a video game), but what made me interested was the messages people send to these kind of channels. well, they waste credits just to see their message on the t.v. and it was worth 2.5x the original cost of sending an sms, yet they still go on sending messages such as,
“helo evry1! helo 2 [insert name here], [another name here], [yes, another name. again], [surprised? i’m not], blah. blah” — hello everyone! hello to…
“[i don’t know much about ascii art but they post messages saying their clan name (it’s a name of a group of people who uses the t.v. channel as their “chatroom”) using symbols like *, @, _, etc.“ — its hard to put ascii art here.
“gud am/pm every1! i’m back”– good am/pm to everone! i’m back!
and the likes.
just like an ordinary chatroom, they “mingle” in the channel while watching music videos of their requested songs.
but of course, there are messages like this; and these messages really made me laugh:
“hi, luking 4 txtm8(shortcut for “textmate” or “pen-pals” sending sms.) [insert preferences here i.e: age, sex, location]. txt me [insert mobile number]” — hi, looking for textmate. text me.
i know it’s a little confusing so here is an example using the format above:
“hi, looking 4 txtm8, 18-20, female, manila area. text me 09xx-xxxxxxx”
yeah i know it’s common, but it’s still funny for me, even now.
but back then, i never expected something big was going to happen, because of one silly, experimental decision.
i remember that time and it was like this when i saw the message:
“lukin 4 txtmate 15-16 yrs old, m/f, manila, my # 09xx xxxxxxx.”
i wasn’t in the range of the “required” age, yet back then i was almost 15. so just for fun, sent a message.
“hi! ur looking 4 a txtm8?”
and the rest is history.
and then they met.
i found out she was a girl and after a few messages, we became friends. it was like “2 bored people who’s looking for something to do”. she was friendly, i was too. i wasn’t myself back then. i’m not usually “that” friendly. but after a while, i realized i was laughing at everything we said. talking about almost everything. saying things like we were filling up a blank curriculum vitae. trying to know each other, and did it with smiles lingering.
we stayed up late, and woke up early the next day.
we became friends just like that. we didn’t know what each other looks like. we were just happy about the useless yet funny topics we shared.
after months of being friends, a day wasn’t normal without “us” talking. we didn’t only sent messages. sometimes, she sneaks up to call me. there was one time she called, and i was talking to her with half my body asleep. but i remembered that call lasted ’til 4am.
honestly, we never did argue. we didn’t have much in common, but we never let those “differences” get in our friendship. funny though. maybe because she was so polite, that i can’t even think of being mean to her. she was too polite that she even admit mistakes she isn’t concerned with. she was a person of too many “sorry”s. if she think she made me upset, (although she didn’t) she apologizes.
realization.
after a while, she told me i was special. she says i’m the bestfriend she never had. i always did listened to everything she said. i even watched myself doing things she told me to do, though i have no obligation to her, like doing chores (which i hate and don’t usually do) and homeworks (which i never do). i guess it made her feel special, which in return, made me special to her. or so i thought. she said after knowing me the day we met, she never talked to anyone who sent her messages except me. she said, “i feel we were connected.” heck. back then it was all “boredom” for me, yet she felt otherwise.
i was glad. realizing that she too, was special.
tears and dairy.
i was looking for a cd i like when i my phone started ringing. i was surprised she called. first, she never call at noon, because she sleeps. second, she sends me a message first before calling. and third, we haven’t talked for 3 straight days. no messages, no calls, no nothing. but then she did call, 2pm and i was on the streets. i rushed into one store to safely answer my phone, (it was dangerous to answer my phone in public since there are many incidents of robbery and the like)
“hello?” — i answered.
she was crying. she never told me why, but kept telling me she wants to go away from “them”, she wants to runaway from “them”.
it was a bit awkward having a phonecall from a girl crying in the middle of the day, in the middle of the street. i can’t bear with it anymore.
“hey, i’ll call you again later. i promise.” — end of call.
after almost half an hour i gave her a call.
“look outside.”
without question, she opened the curtain of her window and looked for me. when our eyes met, i waved and pointed to the gate.
she came out, rubbing her eyes and said that she can’t see guests and if her mom finds out, she’ll be scolded; like that would stop me. i looked at her in the eye handing a little shopping bag with ice cream. surprised, i said with a smile, “i remembered it was your favorite, cookies ‘n cream right?”
after getting the bag, i patted her head and left.
that night, she called my trying to explain why she cried and what her problem was.
turning point.
after that day, everything became different. her calls became more often. she calls me instead of having an afternoon nap. she even asks me out, whenever we’re free. (of course, i make time) we became more, and more attached to each other. whenever i’m the one who wants to cry, her calming face would usually make me smile and let all burdens go.
until.
we were sitting still after a meal, that she asked me,
“hey.. don’t you think your girlfriend will be angry if she sees us?”
i laughed at her statement. she knows i don’t have a girlfriend. why the heck she’d ask me that.
“furious perhaps. i don’t give a damn. besides, i don’t have a girlfriend.”
“hmm.. do you have someone you like?” — she was looking at me with a suspicious smile.
“hmm..”
i started thinking. was there someone i like? is there such person? of course, i have a few interests, but i tend to lose interest quickly. then i looked at her. waiting for my answered, then i said:
“i think i have.“
she laughed and told me it was ridiculous. i thought so too. then i asked her the same question. yet she didn’t answer. she just said we should go, and while walking, she held my hand.
butterflies.
i held her hand too. while walking, everything came in me. i realized i’ve fallen for the person right in front of me without realizing at all. i was all into the “friendship” we had, yet i was falling more and more as the days go by. and after she held my hand, i realized i was in love.
maybe it’s because i was pre-occupied with the facts around the two of us. she was a daughter from a rich family. studies in an expensive school, surrounded with people of her “league”. beautiful, smart, poised and respectable, that’s what she is. yet i’m an ordinary guy. so ordinary you’d yawn with it. i was middle class. i was rude. not really respectable, but gains respect because of who i am. but she still say otherwise. she said it doesn’t matter. she even told me i was older than that of my age. she said she respects me, and the same way admires me. she even told me she likes the way i’m being rude. i was happy. she held me with her soft, light hand. she held me tightly as if saying that she’s not letting go, yet so loose as if i was fragile.
she hold onto me the whole time. while riding the bus to go home, she placed her head on my shoulders while we talked ourselves throughout the trip.
before our night ended, we stopped by the corner of their block. before she let go of my hand, she said words that kept me holding onto her:
“i will never let go. promise me you won’t, will you?”
i smiled and nodded. while no words came out of my mouth, my smile made her felt secured, like i did an oath that was written in stone. then she pulled me near and kissed my forehead. smiled, and hurried home.
when butterflies inhabit your tummy.
we became almost inseperable. if we would have time for each other, we’ be together. every weekend while we don’t have school, i always go to our meeting place and we go out. of course, because of my savings, all i have to offer was to pay the transport expenses. she then pays everything else. from movies to meals, from snacks to extras. it was too awkward for me. i apologize to her almost everytime because of my incompetence. when she realized it was too hard for me (guys have way too much pride) she bought a small purse and ask for every money i have. i gave everything i have with a huge question mark on my face then placed it inside the purse, as well as every money she has, and said,
“now i don’t have money, and you don’t have money.”
i was still confused, then she held the purse, enclosed it with my hand and said, “now, we both have money.”
i was about to laugh. not because of what she said, but because of my stupidity. i realized, if i were on her shoes, i’d even give my yearly allowance just to be with her. it’s not the “money” that we have that matters, it’s the things we do together with it that matters.
it was the first time i lost.
losing streak.
we’ve done a lot of things together, considering we only have 7 hours together, twice a week. if there isn’t anything in the movies that we find interesting, we just stay in a park or in our spot (walls of intramuros, manila). as long as we were together, time flies as if it never happened, but our “everytime” was special.
it was saturday, and it was a long wait. i called her, yet a soft, sad voice told me,
“our family has something to attend to. i’m sorry i can’t come”
i know it was an important affair, but i insisted. i told her even 5 minutes is more than enough. i just wanted to give something to her. she told me she can’t promise me anything but she’ll try. after the call, i walked out the house with haste. knowing we won’t have to spend much time, i decided to buy a bouquet of flowers with the money i have and some chocolates. i waited on our spot. i arrived 15mins early, we will meet by 9.
10.. 11.. 12.. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4pm.. sigh.
i tried calling her but her phone is dead. i was about to explode, but i seem to insist to stay. frankly, i really wanted to go home. almost 6 hours, waiting with flowers and chocolates is a bit embarassing. and the “bit” part was sarcasm. it was before 5pm that i recieved a call.
“where are you? i’m really sorry, my mother was rushing me and i even forgot to charge my phone. she even ordered me to leave it behind. i’m really sorry.”
i took a breath, closed my eyes and said,
“on my way home. i’m here on our spot.”
“huh? i.. i’m really sorry!!! i didn’t have the chance to call you back.. i..”
her words started to sound faint. i looked at the sun setting while trying to collect myself so that i won’t explode. it’s as if i accepted death. all i heard was the words, asleep, back and wait. i lied when i told her i was on my way home. though i wanted to, i didn’t want to go home. so i stayed.
“hey, i said it’s okay.. it’s just a shame i haven’t had the chance to..”
i stopped. i was too surprised to speak. words just stop flowing out of me. all went blank. i pressed my phone to end my call, smiled, and felt her embrace from behind.
there i was, collecting myself, preventing myself to explode, felt like a balloon that steadily losing it’s air. i held her hand while she whispers, “i’m so sorry”. repeatedly.
2 – 0.
wax in, wax out.
funny how times seemed awkward yet sweet.
i wasn’t the “hanky” person, so she’d always bring 2 handkerchiefs for the two of us.
whenever we’re on the sidewalk, we argue about our place. she tends to put me on the safe side while she’s on the side where she might get hit by a vehicle. i always get mad at that. she ends up following me anyway.
i always end up looking at guitars and amplifiers on a music store, and honestly i spend an average of 30 minutes staring. yet she just smiles and never complain.
whenever she sees something cheap and she knows i can afford it, she always look for something and says that she likes it, just for me to feel i can buy her something.
every month she never fail to give me letters or cards just to tell me how much she loves me and she won’t break our promise.
we both love animals, so whenever we’re on a mall, she always take me to a pet store just for her to see my innocent side. (i’m always an animal lover)
she never fail to watch the movies i’m interested in. i guess we both have the same interest in that field, and she loves asking me what i think of what we watched.
she’d give me something small once a month. a keychain, a bracelet, and even a ring. she says she’s happy whenever i had the things she give. my bag used to look like a christmas tree just to see her smile.
we rarely eat ice cream together, probably because we only eat ice cream together when she’s down.
i was never strict to her. i never did became jealous of people around us. it’s because she’s so clingy that sometimes it’s hard to walk straight. she also tends to look at my face directly when i point out someone good-looking, saying “yes, i see him”. and pulls my head towards her forcing me to look at her when she sees someone beautiful.
she introduced me to her friends, and after that, our relationship became the topic of their friend’s mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays, and even fridays. i instantly became the main character of their little love story series.
she was proud of me. though she knows i’m lazy, and it’s my specialty, she never told me i was; instead she just pushes me to strive harder. it made me tired, yet happy.
there are times she’d tell me she loves me out of nowhere. i was always stunned by her words. she isn’t the vocal type, but whenever she say something, it’s piercing. every word was carved inside me. it was moving me.
it was then i realized i’d do anything for her. if there would be someone i’d want to spend my whole life with, i’d die happy by her side. i was always saying i wanted to finish my studies and tell her what family we’ll have if we will have the chance. and she never fails to say, “it will happen, because we both want to”.
turbulence.
of course, this isn’t a perfect relationship, though the months we spent are almost perfect, there isn’t anything so. we were never ready for what is ahead the two innocent lovers.
like most times, we spend our time in a mall, either watching movies or just having a stroll. after eating, we stayed a little longer for a chat. we were having fun while her hand was pulled; she was forced to stand up. i was too stunned and my breath was held.
“back then you said you where going to finish a project?”
it was her mother. enraged. i tried to calm her mother but she shoved me off and said in a loud, threatening voice, “i never (ever) want to see your face again!” (sorry ’bout the ever, i think it was funny.)
i watched her helplessly, as she was pulled out of her chair, out of the door. i wanted to stop the “madness”, but something told me that what we have done was the “madness”.
we were young. we loved a lot, lied a lot.
it was a week of silence. i can’t call her, as her phone is dead. i constantly sent her messages, yet she never replied. everyday, i wait at their door, looking at their window, waiting.
to face what i can never ignore.
after a week, i got a call from her cellphone. i rushed over to answer only to hear a very familiar, intimidating voice.
“you know where we live right? come here in an hour.”
after an hour, i was on their gate. once inside, i was invited to have tea. i sat. then she talked.
“my daughter. tell me how much you love her.”
i have no hesitations. i left them once i stepped on their house. i know the great pressure of being on you girlfriend’s house sitting in front of her mother, but this was too much. but i didn’t want to show hesitation for i don’t want my answer to be half-witted. i told her with much confidence,
“i love her with all i am, with all i can. and i’d still love her with all i have.”
she raised a brow and smiled. calmly sipped a little tea and looked into my eyes. i pretended not to be intimidated.
“i admire your courage. it seems i can’t underestimate you like other boys. you’re my daughter’s first love, so i’ll be gentle.”
gentle? you’re kidding right?
i stood my ground. enough to let her know that i’m ready for whatever she throws at me, just to make her realize how much i love her daughter.
“my daughter is engaged since she was 9. by the age of 18, they will be married to continue the family’s prestige. i can’t have her change her mind just because you came around.”
i was mortified. i realized everything we had was a joke. and she knew it from the start. yet she told me she loved me. i looked at my shaking feet, seeing how i am insignificant to their world. their league.
“i heard from my daughter that you are wise for your age. so i know you’d understand. break your bonds with her and live your life.”
i wanted to say something. but my lips are shaking rapidly that a single concentration lost would make tears fall from my eyes.
“please let me see her ma’am. even for the..”
“i’m sorry. you two have already made this hard for her. i won’t make it harder for my daughter anymore.”
i stood up, smiled a little and walked my way through the door. and the last thing i saw back then was the shadow on her window curtain.
lies from smiles.
it was mortifying. i was about to die.
i wanted to ask her how could she do this. i wanted to let her know how painful it is to know that the one i love was already engaged. it was so cold that night that even inside the blanket where i hid was cold. i was thankful it was raining that night that my aunt never heard my cries.
she never told me. not a single word. i was so surprised. it wasn’t everyday that you’ll have a girlfriend whose engaged and be married in 2 years.
but then i realized, “she never told me, so she didn’t lie”. i knew that if my pain is already this great, her pain must be killing her. that everytime we said our goodnight’s, she might remember her engagement and cry herself to slumber.
i know can’t hate her. i just can’t. but i know i also can’t have her. i just can’t.
2 weeks before christmas, i bought a bracelet. it was for her. it’s a silver bangle that fits her perfectly. it was a little tight, and cannot be removed by yourself once worn. i was planning to give her that, to wait for me. to hold on to me and never let go. i decided back then i’d be rich. i’d be so rich that they would reconsider their marriage. heh, i was so engulfed deeply with my childish perception. i didn’t care. though the odds were slim, i’d do it. remembering what she told me, “it will happen, because we both want to”.
6 years was all i’m going to ask. and i’ll face her family the way i faced her mother back then, only with my head held high and proud.
a promise that can’t be broken is called “done”.
wrapped in a red, thick wrapper with a gold lace, i held my gift with hopes, at least when she reads my letter, she’d know. i won’t break my promise. and i know she won’t break hers. it was a week before christmas. after our class party, i rushed to their house with nerves of steel and shaking hands. i might come to face her mother again, but since christmas is near, i guess she might reconsider.
i guess she doesn’t have to.
at their gate, i peeked into their house. it was dark inside. only one room has a light. it was their servant’s quarters. i rang the bell, and an unfamilliar face walked towards me.
i asked where is the family who lives there, but she told me they already went to their country and their house have been sold. one of their neighbors passed by and told me, that she’d continue her studies in china, and they sold the house to the business tycoon in their district.
if there was any feeling worse than mortifying, tell me. i’m all out of words.
she left without saying goodbye. not even a letter left for me. nothing at all.
the next day i threw away out everything. literally.
i learned we can’t always have what we want. the hard way.
incoherent regrets.
that very day was the day i told myself that i won’t regret. simply because i won’t do anything that i’d regret. this is the story of which i never intended to share. a story made from a silly, experimental decision. a story i already forgotten, yet awakened by time. she may have regret it like i do. but nothing will ever change what we have back then; she has her life and love, i lost my love and life.
みざら 桃矢
Melancholies of Vo 