08
Mar
10

doubts and regrets don’t mix

(May 26th, 2009 by darkangel11)

i was really certain back then, even for a while. since i was never aware of what’s happening. another flashback became more and more clear. clearer than anything i’ve sought to remember. apparently, i was a feeling a bit “left out”. neither one of us is telling, and neither is even budging. it made me sick. it made me down so bad it felt that the soil underground is much more solidified than that on the surface.

doubts and regrets don’t mix. maybe because when i had the doubt, and regret is passing by, it only deflected into what we can call, bliss. don’t blame me, but it’s what i felt.

learning these past years, being sure, moving forward, and not looking back. it was all i got when i left. i was pretty sure i’ve never left anything to linger, but it was surprising i was wrong. i’ve thought it thoroughly and even did so much or rather, said too much. funny how everything was never enough. besides the fact that i’ve seen through it all, i’ve missed some parts i thought i’ve considered. but guess what, i realized i never did. perhaps back then i was too afraid of considering it. cowardly, i did not hesitate. and now this is all we have. a few words and a lot of time.

i’ll be promising nothing for continuing. i can never be sure until then. since i never want to be too specific, i don’t want to hurt both sides. and yes, neither the two of them know. it does not concern each but with me in the middle, it gives the all the reasons to be concerned.

i thought of asking her, wanting to know what happened back then. because i don’t know how it feels being on the situation, but i never thought that the one i want to talk to never wanted to see me, maybe because it was about her, specifically, it was about she feels. i never want to be specific to her since i don’t want to hurt her anymore. but after the words follow through it made me realized that she was “sick” of it. frankly, i hesitated. then she told me things i never expected. maybe because i never knew she’d talk about “us”. and funny it was them, who talk about “us”.

knowing what happened it made me feel i was the one who’s “sick”. she told me things i was expecting but in a sense that i never predicted. it pains me to know, because it woke my sleeping guilt inside this hollow vessel.

i’m sorry. i’m apologizing for what i did, but right now and i know i’d still be in the future, thinking, i did what i know what is right. it made me regret but if it lingered in me, it’ll be wrong. i hope you’ll understand.

another apology for my other self. you know who you are. you might be reading this thing and i know, that you know, you are my other self.  you made yourself a part of me yet you don’t know anything. i want to tell you everything, but all i can do right now is to write all i can. i don’t want you to understand now, because i want you to understand when i’m with you. i don’t know if it will be difficult for you, but i’m telling you right here, right now, this is nothing. please wait and i’ll be there to you.

i won’t continue that last post, though it said i will.

the reason is that, i can never choose to continue something i ended

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08
Mar
10

100 ways to love a girl (3rd edition)

it’s the 3rd edition. since this one jumped from my other blogs. here it goes:

1. tell her you love her everytime you have a chance
2. sing her a love song
3. give her chocolates
4. tell her the things you like about her
5. understand how she feels (at least try to)
6. court her before you become steady, court her more after
7. ask what she wants, give her better
8. pinch her nose once in a while and smile
9. never forget important dates like anniversaries, monthly aniversaries and birthdays.
10. give her a piggy-back ride once in a while
11. NEVER make her wait
12. try to learn an instrument like a guitar or a piano and play her a song
13. give her something she will never find out where you got it.
14. cook for her something small. if you suck, cook more.
15. never give her a cd of her favorite boy band or male singer. hehehe.
16. give her plush toys but refrain from giving bears all of the time; there are a lot of animals you know.
17. when giving her a plush toy, spray some perfume/cologne you use. if she hates it, try hers.
18. if she made a mistake, smile and tell her she’s cute. varies all the time.
19. when you go out to watch movies, bring a jacket.
20. hold her hand if she needs support
21. listen more, talk less
22. do not clean your room when she visits. clean it when she sees it.they find it  cute to see someone in a rush
23. give her the only right to your shoulders
24. always bring a handkechief
25. wipe her tears with your thumb, not with the handkerchief
26. remind her what she always forget
27. wake her up on weekends (be wary of predictable mood swings)
28. be the first to greet her a good morning
29. in her birthday, be the first to greet. 12:00-12:01am to be exact
30. let her sleep on your lap
31. hug her from behind whenever possible
32. DO NOT tell her she’s fat
33. DO NOT tell her she’s sexy. if she ask you tell her how you see her HONESTLY
34. when not with her, tell her where you are, who are you with and what you are doing. NO LIES.
35. if she’s a daddy’s girl, get closer to her dad. if she’s a mommy’s girl, get closer to her mom
36. tell her everything you know about yourself
37. never brag. just tell her you’re kinda good at it
38. never do the same things with her. explore. hehehe
39. respect what she likes, but it doesn’t mean you need to like it to
40. whenever she’s down, give her something sweet
41. send her cards or letters once in a while. doesn’t need you to be far
42. carry her when she’s drunk
43. give her medicine when she feels sick. consult your doctor if symptoms persist
44. tell everyone she knows you love her
45. when your together, let her hold your wallet
46. carry her things for her. but NOT her bag
47. never look inside her bag (at least ask before doing so)
48. never ask her to do your work, ask her to help
49. if she asks to let go, let her. if she means it, don’t
50. be friendly towards her friends, but not too friendly
51. if she doesn’t like something on her plate, eat it. as long as it’s edible
52. the next time she does it again make her eat it
53. do not smoke in front of her. if you don’t smoke, do not learn
54. if you and your friends are to drink, let her know. ask her you she permits you
55. always wait for her
56. hold her hand if she’s scared. hold her hand if you are
57. let her do the things you do. if she can’t, do something easier next time
58. do not hide anything from her
59. let her know who your friends are. boy or girl, it doesn’t matter
60. if she’s jealous, spend more time with her
61. if she cooks for you, do not compliment her if you don’t mean it
62. never complain
63. if she asks you to climb a tree, go up a building. it’s easier
64. take a picture of her when she’s asleep and see another side of her you’ll fall in love with
65. always keep her letters, gifts and things she gave to you in a box. if she asks for it it’s easier to return them
66. let her family know you. if they don’t like you try harder. if they despise you, try again next year
67. never refer her as “this girl” or “that girl”
68. tie her hair the way you like it most once in a while
69. close your eyes when you kiss her
70. tell her you’re the happiest man/guy alive
71. never tell her about your past love. if she asks, never go in detail
72. NEVER, EVER let her meet with your past loves
73. if she tells you “i love you”, tell her you love her more
74. never say the word “corny”
75. when meeting up with her always be the first to come
76. if possible, walk her home, do not ride
77. tell her your most embarassing moments and let her feel that you’re most comfortable telling her
78. give her some of your baby pictures, she’ll adore it
79. let her feel your falling in love more and more
80. do not be alone with another girl, even if she’s your bestfriend. bring another guy to be with you
81. tease her once in a while. at least, there are some limits. hehehe.
82. if she slaps your cheek, give her your other
83. make promises rarely
84. open the door for her
85. when riding a vehicle, let her sit first. when getting off, get off first
86. when walking across the street, go to her side where the vehicles passes
87. when she sees something cute, get it. if it’s expensive DO NOT let her see it
88. watch her sleep
89. never leave her side when you’re together
90. in a vehicle, let her sit by the window
91. plan out your dream wedding. if she doesn’t like it, tsk tsk tsk.
92. stick to her schedule, not yours
93. never be in an argument or in a fight when you are with her
94. never get angry when with her, if possible
95. let her see a different side of you
96. NEVER compare
97. never tell her she’s perfect nor she’s not
98. never look at another girl whenever you’re with her
99. grow old with her, at least try to.
100. be at your best everytime you are with her.

_みざら 桃矢

05
Jan
10

Incoherent regrets.

WARNING: this is a very long post. bear with it.

i always say that i don’t regret things. it’s unusual since there can’t be anyone who doesn’t have any. and i’m no exception. i’ve been silent for almost 9 years, but now i can actually say,

“i did regret once, and it took me years to let it go; and years to free me from it’s burden.”

well, it’s like this. i really hated it, and i can’t stand it. so i did everything that i could to forget it. and only reminded myself that i won’t regret. but now i guess 9 years is enough to let it go.

so yes, i did regret, and stopped regretting. and now i’m letting it all go. i haven’t told this to anyone yet, but of course there is an exception.

i was young. same way a little naive. who cares? i’m only 14 back then.

note: i won’t place any specific date, time or name.

the beginning.

it was my second mobile phone; the other one was too obsolete. so my aunt bought a new one for me. back then it was newly released and frankly, i felt i was so cool. with much enthusiasm, i started sending messages and calling people i know. making ringtones and such(back then the “composer” feature isn’t really new, but to me, it was).

so i did all kinds of things with my phone. you know the feeling of having something “new”. i  sent messages to my friends, but since most of them are busy back then, i looked for someone who could talk to me. (believe me, boredom is a bad enemy.)

i was channel-surfing that night that i came across a (i really don’t know what it’s called) show that plays music videos and scroll messages as if it was a chatroom. i liked the song (i remember it was from a video game), but what made me interested was the messages people send to these kind of channels. well, they waste credits just to see their message on the t.v. and it was worth 2.5x the original cost of sending an sms, yet they still go on sending messages such as,

“helo evry1!  helo 2 [insert name here], [another name here], [yes, another name. again], [surprised? i’m not], blah. blah” — hello everyone! hello to…

[i don’t know much about ascii art but they post messages saying their clan name (it’s a name of a group of people who uses the t.v. channel as their “chatroom”) using symbols like *, @, _, etc. — its hard to put ascii art here.

“gud am/pm every1! i’m back”– good am/pm to everone! i’m back!

and the likes.

just like an ordinary chatroom, they “mingle” in the channel while watching music videos of their requested songs.

but of course, there are messages like this; and these messages really made me laugh:

“hi, luking 4 txtm8(shortcut for “textmate” or “pen-pals” sending sms.) [insert preferences here i.e: age, sex, location]. txt me [insert mobile number]” — hi, looking for textmate. text me.

i know it’s a little confusing so here is an example using the format above:

“hi, looking 4 txtm8, 18-20, female, manila area. text me 09xx-xxxxxxx”

yeah i know it’s common, but it’s still funny for me, even now.

but back then, i never expected something big was going to happen, because of one silly, experimental decision.

i remember that time and it was like this when i saw the message:

“lukin 4 txtmate 15-16 yrs old, m/f, manila, my # 09xx xxxxxxx.”

i wasn’t in the range of the “required” age, yet back then i was almost 15. so just for fun, sent a message.

“hi! ur looking 4 a txtm8?”

and the rest is history.

and then they met.

i found out she was a girl and after a few messages, we became friends. it was like “2 bored people who’s looking for something to do”. she was friendly, i was too. i wasn’t myself back then. i’m not usually “that” friendly. but after a while, i realized i was laughing at everything we said. talking about almost everything. saying things like we were filling up a blank curriculum vitae. trying to know each other, and did it with smiles lingering.

we stayed up late, and woke up early the next day.

we became friends just like that. we didn’t know what each other looks like. we were just happy about the useless yet funny topics we shared.

after months of being friends, a day wasn’t normal without “us” talking. we didn’t only sent messages. sometimes, she sneaks up to call me. there was one time she called, and i was talking to her with half my body asleep. but i remembered that call lasted ’til 4am.

honestly, we never did argue. we didn’t have much in common, but we never let those “differences” get in our friendship. funny though. maybe because she was so polite, that i can’t even think of being mean to her. she was too polite that she even admit mistakes she isn’t concerned with. she was a person of too many “sorry”s. if she think she made me upset, (although she didn’t) she apologizes.

realization.

after a while, she told me i was special. she says i’m the bestfriend she never had. i always did listened to everything she said. i even watched myself doing things she told me to do, though i have no obligation to her, like doing chores (which i hate and don’t usually do) and homeworks (which i never do). i guess it made her feel special, which in return, made me special to her. or so i thought. she said after knowing me the day we met, she never talked to anyone who sent her messages except me. she said, “i feel we were connected.” heck. back then it was all “boredom” for me, yet she felt otherwise.

i was glad. realizing that she too, was special.

tears and dairy.

i was looking for a cd i like when i my phone started ringing. i was surprised she called. first, she never call at noon, because she sleeps. second, she sends me a message first before calling. and third, we haven’t talked for 3 straight days. no messages, no calls, no nothing. but then she did call, 2pm and i was on the streets. i rushed into one store to safely answer my phone, (it was dangerous to answer my phone in public since there are many incidents of robbery and the like)

“hello?” — i answered.

she was crying. she never told me why, but kept telling me she wants to go away from “them”, she wants to runaway from “them”.

it was a bit awkward having a phonecall from a girl crying in the middle of the day, in the middle of the street. i can’t bear with it anymore.

“hey, i’ll call you again later. i promise.” — end of call.

after almost half an hour i gave her a call.

“look outside.”

without question, she opened the curtain of her window and looked for me. when our eyes met, i waved and pointed to the gate.

she came out, rubbing her eyes and said that she can’t see guests and if her mom finds out, she’ll be scolded; like that would stop me. i looked at her in the eye handing a little shopping bag with ice cream. surprised, i said with a smile, “i remembered it was your favorite, cookies ‘n cream right?”

after getting the bag, i patted her head and left.

that night, she called my trying to explain why she cried and what her problem was.

turning point.

after that day, everything became different. her calls became more often. she calls me instead of having an afternoon nap. she even asks me out, whenever we’re free. (of course, i make time) we became more, and more attached to each other. whenever i’m the one who wants to cry, her calming face would usually make me smile and let all burdens go.

until.

we were sitting still after a meal, that she asked me,

“hey.. don’t you think your girlfriend will be angry if she sees us?”

i laughed at her statement. she knows i don’t have a girlfriend. why the heck she’d ask me that.

“furious perhaps. i don’t give a damn. besides, i don’t have a girlfriend.”

“hmm.. do you have someone you like?” — she was looking at me with a suspicious smile.

“hmm..”

i started thinking. was there someone i like? is there such person? of course, i have a few interests, but i tend to lose interest quickly. then i looked at her. waiting for my answered, then i said:

“i think i have.

she laughed and told me it was ridiculous. i thought so too. then i asked her the same question. yet she didn’t answer. she just said we should go, and while walking, she held my hand.

butterflies.

i held her hand too. while walking, everything came in me. i realized i’ve fallen for the person right in front of me without realizing at all. i was all into the “friendship” we had, yet i was falling more and more as the days go by. and after she held my hand, i realized i was in love.

maybe it’s because i was pre-occupied with the facts around the two of us. she was a daughter from a rich family. studies in an expensive school, surrounded with people of her “league”. beautiful, smart, poised and respectable, that’s what she is. yet i’m an ordinary guy. so ordinary you’d yawn with it. i was middle class. i was rude. not really respectable, but gains respect because of who i am. but she still say otherwise. she said it doesn’t matter. she even told me i was older than that of my age. she said she respects me, and the same way admires me. she even told me she likes the way i’m being rude. i was happy. she held me with her soft, light hand. she held me tightly as if saying that she’s not letting go, yet so loose as if i was fragile.

she hold onto me the whole time. while riding the bus to go home, she placed her head on my shoulders while we talked ourselves throughout the trip.

before our night ended, we stopped by the corner of their block. before she let go of my hand, she said words that kept me holding onto her:

“i will never let go. promise me you won’t, will you?”

i smiled and nodded. while no words came out of my mouth, my smile made her felt secured, like i did an oath that was written in stone. then she pulled me near and kissed my forehead. smiled, and hurried home.

when butterflies inhabit your tummy.

we became almost inseperable. if we would have time for each other, we’ be together. every weekend while we don’t have school, i always go to our meeting place and we go out. of course, because of my savings, all i have to offer was to pay the transport expenses. she then pays everything else. from movies to meals, from snacks to extras. it was too awkward for me. i apologize to her almost everytime because of my incompetence. when she realized it was too hard for me (guys have way too much pride) she bought a small purse and ask for every money i have. i gave everything i have with a huge question mark on my face then placed it inside the purse, as well as every money she has, and said,

“now i don’t have money, and you don’t have money.”

i was still confused, then she held the purse, enclosed it with my hand and said, “now, we both have money.”

i was about to laugh. not because of what she said, but because of my stupidity. i realized, if i were on her shoes, i’d even give my yearly allowance just to be with her. it’s not the “money” that we have that  matters, it’s the things we do together with it that matters.

it was the first time i lost.

losing streak.

we’ve done a lot of things together, considering we only have 7 hours together, twice a week. if there isn’t anything in the movies that we find interesting, we just stay in a park or in our spot (walls of intramuros, manila). as long as we were together, time flies as if it never happened, but our “everytime” was special.

it was saturday, and it was a long wait. i called her, yet a soft, sad voice told me,

“our family has something to attend to. i’m sorry i can’t come”

i know it was an important affair, but i insisted. i told her even 5 minutes is more than enough. i just wanted to give something to her. she told me she can’t promise me anything but she’ll try. after the call, i walked out the house with haste. knowing we won’t have to spend much time, i decided to buy a bouquet of flowers with the money i have and some chocolates. i waited on our spot. i arrived 15mins early, we will meet by 9.

10.. 11.. 12.. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4pm.. sigh.

i tried calling her but her phone is dead. i was about to explode, but i seem to insist to stay. frankly, i really wanted to go home. almost 6 hours, waiting with flowers and chocolates is a bit embarassing. and the “bit” part was sarcasm. it was before 5pm that i recieved a call.

“where are you? i’m really sorry, my mother was rushing me and i even forgot to charge my phone. she even ordered me to leave it behind. i’m really sorry.”

i took a breath, closed my eyes and said,

“on my way home. i’m here on our spot.”

“huh? i.. i’m really sorry!!! i didn’t have the chance to call you back.. i..”

her words started to sound faint. i looked at the sun setting while trying to collect myself so that i won’t explode. it’s as if i accepted death. all i heard was the words, asleep, back and wait. i lied when i told her i was on my way home. though i wanted to, i didn’t want to go home. so i stayed.

“hey, i said it’s okay.. it’s just a shame i haven’t had the chance to..”

i stopped. i was too surprised to speak. words just stop flowing out of me. all went blank. i pressed my phone to end my call, smiled, and felt her embrace from behind.

there i was, collecting myself, preventing myself to explode, felt like a balloon that steadily losing it’s air. i held her hand while she whispers, “i’m so sorry”. repeatedly.

2 – 0.

wax in, wax out.

funny how times seemed awkward yet sweet.

i wasn’t the “hanky” person, so she’d always bring 2 handkerchiefs for the two of us.

whenever we’re on the sidewalk, we argue about our place. she tends to put me on the safe side while she’s on the side where she might get hit by a vehicle. i always get mad at that. she ends up following me anyway.

i always end up looking at guitars and amplifiers on a music store, and honestly i spend an average of 30 minutes staring. yet she just smiles and never complain.

whenever she sees something cheap and she knows i can afford it, she always look for something and says that she likes it, just for me to feel i can buy her something.

every month she never fail to give me letters or cards just to tell me how much she loves me and she won’t break our promise.

we both love animals, so whenever we’re on a mall, she always take me to a pet store just for her to see my innocent side. (i’m always an animal lover)

she never fail to watch the movies i’m interested in. i guess we both have the same interest in that field, and she loves asking me what i think of what we watched.

she’d give me something small once a month. a keychain, a bracelet, and even a ring. she says she’s happy whenever i had the things she give. my bag used to look like a christmas tree just to see her smile.

we rarely eat ice cream together, probably because we only eat ice cream together when she’s down.

i was never strict to her. i never did became jealous of people around us. it’s because she’s so clingy that sometimes it’s hard to walk straight. she also tends to look at my face directly when i point out someone good-looking, saying “yes, i see him”. and pulls my head towards her forcing me to look at her when she sees someone beautiful.

she introduced me to her friends, and after that, our relationship became the topic of their friend’s mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays, and even fridays. i instantly became the main character of their little love story series.

she was proud of me. though she knows i’m lazy, and it’s my specialty, she never told me i was; instead she just pushes me to strive harder. it made me tired, yet happy.

there are times she’d tell me she loves me out of nowhere. i was always stunned by her words. she isn’t the vocal type, but whenever she say something, it’s piercing. every word was carved inside me. it was moving me.

it was then i realized i’d do anything for her. if there would be someone i’d want to spend my whole life with, i’d die happy by her side. i was always saying i wanted to finish my studies and tell her what family we’ll have if we will have the chance. and she never fails to say, “it will happen, because we both want to”.

turbulence.

of course, this isn’t a perfect relationship, though the months we spent are almost perfect, there isn’t anything so. we were never ready for what is ahead the two innocent lovers.

like most times, we spend our time in a mall, either watching movies or just having a stroll. after eating, we stayed a little longer for a chat. we were having fun while her hand was pulled; she was forced to stand up. i was too stunned and my breath was held.

“back then you said you where going to finish a project?”

it was her mother. enraged. i tried to calm her mother but she shoved me off and said in a loud, threatening voice, “i never (ever) want to see your face again!” (sorry ’bout the ever, i think it was funny.)

i watched her helplessly, as she was pulled out of her chair, out of the door. i wanted to stop the “madness”, but something told me that what we have done was the “madness”.

we were young. we loved a lot, lied a lot.

it was a week of silence. i can’t call her, as her phone is dead. i constantly sent her messages, yet she never replied. everyday, i wait at their door, looking at their window, waiting.

to face what i can never ignore.

after a week, i got a call from her cellphone. i rushed over to answer only to hear a very familiar, intimidating voice.

“you know where we live right? come here in an hour.”

after an hour, i was on their gate. once inside, i was invited to have tea. i sat. then she talked.

“my daughter. tell me how much you love her.”

i have no hesitations. i left them once i stepped on their house. i know the great pressure of being on you girlfriend’s house sitting in front of her mother, but this was too much. but i didn’t want to show hesitation for i don’t want my answer to be half-witted. i told her with much confidence,

“i love her with all i am, with all i can. and i’d still love her with all i have.”

she raised a brow and smiled. calmly sipped a little tea and looked into my eyes. i pretended not to be intimidated.

“i admire your courage. it seems i can’t underestimate you like other boys. you’re my daughter’s first love, so i’ll be gentle.”

gentle? you’re kidding right?

i stood my ground. enough to let her know that i’m ready for whatever she throws at me, just to make her realize how much i love her daughter.

“my daughter is engaged since she was 9. by the age of 18, they will be married to continue the family’s prestige. i can’t have her change her mind just because you came around.”

i was mortified. i realized everything we had was a joke. and she knew it from the start. yet she told me she loved me. i looked at my shaking feet, seeing how i am insignificant to their world. their league.

“i heard from my daughter that you are wise for your age. so i know you’d understand. break your bonds with her and live your life.”

i wanted to say something. but my lips are shaking rapidly that a single concentration lost would make tears fall from my eyes.

“please let me see her ma’am. even for the..”

“i’m sorry. you two have already made this hard for her. i won’t make it harder for my daughter anymore.”

i stood up, smiled a little and walked my way through the door. and the last thing i saw back then was the shadow on her window curtain.

lies from smiles.

it was mortifying. i was about to die.

i wanted to ask her how could she do this. i wanted to let her know how painful it is to know that the one i love was already engaged. it was so cold that night that even inside the blanket where i hid was cold. i was thankful it was raining that night that my aunt never heard my cries.

she never told me. not a single word. i was so surprised. it wasn’t everyday that you’ll have a girlfriend whose engaged and be married in 2 years.

but then i realized, “she never told me, so she didn’t lie”. i knew that if my pain is already this great, her pain must be killing her. that everytime we said our goodnight’s, she might remember her engagement and cry herself to slumber.

i know can’t hate her. i just can’t. but i know i also can’t have her. i just can’t.

2 weeks before christmas, i bought a bracelet. it was for her. it’s a silver bangle that fits her perfectly. it was a little tight, and cannot be removed by yourself once worn. i was planning to give her that, to wait for me. to hold on to me and never let go. i decided back then i’d be rich. i’d be so rich that they would reconsider their marriage. heh, i was so engulfed deeply with my childish perception. i didn’t care. though the odds were slim, i’d do it. remembering what she told me, “it will happen, because we both want to”.

6 years was all i’m going to ask. and i’ll face her family the way i faced her mother back then, only with my head held high and proud.

a promise that can’t be broken is called “done”.

wrapped in a red, thick wrapper with a gold lace, i held my gift with hopes, at least when she reads my letter, she’d know. i won’t break my promise. and i know she won’t break hers. it was a week before christmas. after our class party, i rushed to their house with nerves of steel and shaking hands. i might come to face her mother again, but since christmas is near, i guess she might reconsider.

i guess she doesn’t have to.

at their gate, i peeked into their house. it was dark inside. only one room has a light. it was their servant’s quarters. i rang the bell, and an unfamilliar face walked towards me.

i asked where is the family who lives there, but she told me they already went to their country and their house have been sold. one of their neighbors passed by and told me, that she’d continue her studies in china, and they sold the house to the business tycoon in their district.

if there was any feeling worse than mortifying, tell me. i’m all out of words.

she left without saying goodbye. not even a letter left for me. nothing at all.

the next day i threw away out everything. literally.

i learned we can’t always have what we want. the hard way.

incoherent regrets.

that very day was the day i told myself that i won’t regret. simply because i won’t do anything that i’d regret. this is the story of which i never intended to share. a story made from a silly, experimental decision. a story i already forgotten, yet awakened by time. she may have regret it like i do. but nothing will ever change what we have back then; she has her life and love, i lost my love and life.

みざら 桃矢

30
Dec
09

Indecision.

i’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and it made me decide to make this my second post.

quoting sentences from others is not like me, but i think this one is suitable enough to be an exception:

indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash his hands, he is called dirty. if he does, he is wasting water. –an African proverb

i was planning on writing about the so-called “New Year’s Resolution” though i kinda searched for it’s opposite; since what we do is the exact opposite.

what is a “New Year Resolution” anyway? i mean people all over the world would probably say, the New Year is coming, and my resolution is…

5 things people would normally say after saying the statement above:

  1. not to be late again for work/school
  2. be fit (a normal person would say diet)
  3. quit smoking/drinking
  4. be nice to [insert name here]
  5. learn something new

oh and don’t be confused. these aren’t the “Top Resolutions”, they are only the common things we usually say.

but why do we have to make a resolution (got tired of typing the whole thing) at every January 1st? it is true that we need to be a better person and a new year also means “a new life”. well it does make sense when something is gonna start, you better start too.

but how long can we keep up, with these resolutions?

i can’t remember the first time i said those words by myself. i can’t even remember why i said so, but i too had tried to be better at the start of the year.

back then, when i make a resolution (or resolutions) i always start my list with “I won’t be late”. see no. 1 (okay so it’s “resolutions”) well being tardy is one of my incurable disease, probably because i hate waiting. so by the start of the semester, (around January) i tend to go to class earlier than usual; around 10-15mins early than my usual time. (about the same time the school bell rings, and the same time the gate closes.) hah, and 15mins is almost a miracle for me.

but after weeks, (mostly days) i’d be back to my old self, playing out/safe with the guard as if he was the umpire.

MORAL LESSON: i suck at being early.

another resolution, (if i remember correctly) i tried the “I’ll be nice(r) to [insert name here]”. yeah, i tried it too. i wasn’t a nice person to begin with.

of course, there 3 types of people:

  1. friends
  2. someone you know
  3. huh?

number 3 isn’t a typographical error, mind you.

many people don’t notice this, but (for me) these are the types of people we encounter in our lives.

Explanation.

1. friends – more or less you have an idea about this; basically, they are people whom you trust, mostly who you hangout with. any people whom you have a “connection” is considered.

2. someone you know – literally, people you know. people around you that does not share the “connection” pertained before. might be colleauges, classmates, neighbors and the like. they are somewhat the one you say “hi” to then goes on with your life.

3 “huh?”s – this might be rude, but it’s what i call them. they are the people we know or not, yet we do not pay much attention to them. others or etc. to be exact. somehow they fill up the numbers in the population.

of course, this list is from a viewpoint of one person.

yes, i’m not nice. but i am not rude. of course, there are a lot of “huh”s in my life so there are times i say, “so i know you?” or “you know me? how come i don’t know you?”. whilst if i know them, “uhh.. okay?” or “alright. (i am trying my best to ignore you)”

the rude part wasn’t a typo either.

so, there i was. trying to be nice. but as expected, i always come to my senses that i can’t be nicer to [insert name(s) here]. probably because i can’t force myself into something troublesome for me. (heck, everyone knows this)

in the end, i’m  stuck with a list i can’t fulfill.

so much for my indecisiveness.

after making lists of indecision, and knowing how it will end up, i stopped. simply because it’s a waste of effort. especially when you try to change yourself from something you’re good at. yet more people still try. more people write their list and still came up with a good excuse to stop after. it has been a protocol for so many generations, who knows when it started.

so why do we have to make lists? why still come up with “numbered tasks” that in the end, we won’t accomplish? i’ve seen a lot of people who gave up on this, saying things like “it’s full of crap” or “it’s a waste of time”, so why do we still try? not only that, some people think that people who make their resolutions are only fooling themselves. that they won’t last a month, or so. they say it’s only a waste of time.

why still make a list of “won’t be fulfilled”?

and so..

what a motivation to start a new year, don’t you think?

but if a resolution is still made after these things there are only two things i can think of:

either this post isn’t convincing,

or

the list you made is worth a shot.

happy new year.

_みざら 桃矢

16
Dec
09

Unsent.

Dear Justin,

You might be wondering who am I. No, I’m not your fan. Anyway, I know you don’t know me, as well as my existence. I know you by name, and even know how you look like (well I’ve seen pictures of you) and if we would cross paths, I may look back at you knowing who you are. Don’t bother remembering if you’ve met me somewhere; it’s because we haven’t.

I know this might sound weird but I’ve heard stories of you. Some about you, and some about what you’ve done. Some about what you had, and some about what you lost.

My name is Jay. And I’m not gay. Actually, I’m Mel’s boyfriend. I met her in the school we’re attending, became classmates and eventually, lovers. We’ve been dating for a year now, and I can safely say that she loves me. We’ve been dating for a year and we’ve made a lot of happy, crazy and sometimes sad memories.

You might be wondering why the “boyfriend of your ex-girlfriend” writes to you. I didn’t know the reason at first either, but after writing a few sentences my hand just won’t stop and wants to write more.

I’ve heard of your relationship with her. She told be even before we dated. She said losing you was mortifying. To her, it was like her whole world collapsed. But you know, she tells me she’s over with it.

Over you. Over your relationship.

There are times that we come to talk about your relationship back when she was still in your town. She would tell stories on what crazy things you two have done, like going to a remote place alone until the sun sets, or like the surprises you give her.

Surprises.

She once told me you sometimes surprise her. I don’t remember exactly with what, but I won’t forget how she smiled when she tells me how she loves the “sweet” surprises you give her.

She also told me a lot of things about you. How you deal with things and how you do things your way. Funny though. I know this much about a person I haven’t met.

There was also a time she calledme by the petname you had when you were together. Honestly, I felt sh*t. It was a little insulting though no one is at fault. It’s just that it pains me to be reminded of you.

I’m sorry if what I said offends you. But I think you know what it feels to be reminded of something you want to “throw away”.

I have no intention of keeping the memories of you and Mel. Yet I have a reason why I keep it. And it’s because I can’t just throw it away. Simply because she doesn’t.

My reason of writing to you is not for blaming you for anything or to start a fight. It’s just that this is my way of confronting a ghost inside me, and inside Mel.

She says she’s happy with me. I am sure that she’s telling me the truth. But what haunts me is the point of her still having you in her mind. Yes, she still thinks of you.

How did I know?

She told me so.

She said she wanted to know if you’re doing fine.

She said she wanted to know what you’ve been up to.

She said she wanted to know if you’re happy.

She said…

I should be rational. She had spent a fraction of her life with you. She once wanted to be with you for the rest of her life. She was once sure that you the one whom she wants to spend her whole life with.

I should be so lucky. I am the one she is with everyday. I am the one whom she spends her time with.

Yet I’m still not the one whom she wants to be with, for the rest of her life.

She told me you two have only been meeting a few days a week because of you circumstances. But I am always with her whenever possible.

She told me that she always run after you whenever you’re mad and can’t think straight when you are in a fight, but I always run after her; and sometimes, on my knees just to make her stay.

She told me that you never looked at another girl whenever you’re with her, and told her she was the only “beautiful” for you; but I was falling for her every time I catch a glimpse of her face.

She told me that you only look at her whenever an attractive girl is in sight; yet she’s the only person I look in the eye.

She said you once sacrificed your relationship just for her to continue studying; but I am always ready to cease my very own existence for her own sake.

Yet, I’m still not the one whom she prefers to spend her whole life with.

Wanna know something funny? It’s a secret though, but I’ll consider you an exception:

I’ve always wanted to be you.

I’ve always wanted to be the one she is proud of having.

I’ve always wanted to be the one she runs after saying she can’t live without you in her life.

I’ve always wanted to hear stories about me being able to make her top-to-toes and head-over-heels over little things.

I’ve always wanted to be the one she prays of having.

I’ve always wanted to be like you

I know it’s stupid wanting to be you. It’s not like I can make her love me the way she loved you. It’s not like I can make her want me the way she wanted you. And of course, I can never be you.

She once told me we can’t be compared. I know. We are two different individual. But what pains me is that even though I try every damn thing I can, I can never out-do you. I can never be better than what you’ve done. I can never surpass you. I think I’ll never do. Because in her eyes, you were the only one who can do what you do.

Don’t worry I didn’t stop on that. I thought, “If I can’t surpass what you’ve done, at least I can do something different”.

I did everything I can. I looked for a job just to give her what she wants and needs. I tried to spend most of my time with her, half of it waiting. 4 hours weren’t an issue, it is for her. I even handed her every penny that I have just to let her buy things I find unimportant; because for me, no money can replace her smile.

But still, it was “We’ll never know what the future has stored for us, so we shouldn’t count on what we want too much; or we’ll get hurt.”

I think I’ll never be like you; neither surpass you.

You know, she have done so much for me.

I won’t write them all down, for it’ll take a lot of time telling you half of it. But I hope you’d come to see how much she have done for me these past year. She showed me love that I have never seen before. It was heaven; she was heaven sent.

I’ve told her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her; that I want to be the one who’d take care of her, who’d worry for her and who’d share the pain she feels. But I still get the “uncertainty”.

What is it that I envy most about you?

It’s one thing she had given you (or rather done):

It was to ignore every uncertainty she has and only want to be with you.

She once told me she had always tell herself it was “you”. You know, I’d do anything just to hear those words; hear her say: “It is Jay. I’m sure he is. I want him to be.”

But I realized it won’t happen. She won’t risk her own feelings just to gamble with uncertainty. She’d prefer to sit still, and be secured. She even told herself If I wasn’t the one, then it’s okay.

Too bad. I’m not you. And I can’t be you.

I’m sorry about the things I said earlier that might’ve offended you, since you’re already living a peaceful life, and I know it’ s been years since you two have talked so basically you wouldn’t give a damn on every single thing I said; and for that I thank you.

Since you’ll probably give me the favor of letting this thing go and shove it off like it was nothing, I’ll tell you something Mel told me, and it was about you.

He will always be a part of me. And I’ll never forget what he did for me, to me.

I hope you’re happy with what you have now, because I can assure you, I’ll make her happy, I’ll always make her smile. And even though she’ll never love me back the way she loved you, and even though I’ll never surpass or even to anything to compare what you’ve done, I’ll try. If I can’t make her love me that much, at least, I’ll try to make her love me enough.

If the day comes that we’ll get to meet each other face to face, I hope I have the courage to face you with my head high, confident that she loves me, may it not be so much but at least it would be enough; enough to replace you.

‘Till next time, though I doubt.

Jay Collins

_みざら 桃矢




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